Don't get me wrong... I'm not a guy who scares easily. I'm a huge fan of the horror genre, and I spent my youth watching the Hammer Films Dracula movies and playing gory games like Quake. Plus, I'm a liberal. Been that way for a long long time, with a (fortunately) brief fling with conservatism back in the 80's. I've felt pity for those guys... being unable to recognize Truth if it kissed them on the nose.
But after closely looking at the current crop of Republican Presidential candidates for 2008, I finally realized why they were so frightening.
No, it's not their stances on social issues like abortion, AIDS, and immigration. No, it's not their backwards views on science and education. No, it's not their rather voodoo like invocation of Ronald Reagan on every occasion.
It's the fact that they look so.... evil.
Let's look at a few examples here.
Rudy Giuliani. The hero of 9/11. Global War On Terror. America's Mayor. Blah, blah, rinse and repeat. I dunno about you, but something about this guy just screamed "Nazi" from the get go, and sure enough, there's just a teeny weeny bit of resemblance with the former head of the SS, Heinrich Himmler:
Wow, doesn't he just exude authoritarianism at its worst? But you gotta give Himmler credit, he actually smiles once in a while.
Next, Mitt Romney. Ann Coulter's drooling over him aside, I never did like anybody who reminded me of Frankenstein's Monster, and this was before I even saw his picture. He seemed so.... monolithic... so... robotic....
Yeah I know Arnie ain't that much better, but he actually tries to look evil there.
OK, how about one of the lesser known ones, say Sam Brownback? Yuck. For a guy who doesn't believe in evolution (let alone fluoride), and his rather unseemly tendency to smile in a manner that befits a used car salesman... he reminds me of that evolutionary enhanced Spiderman bad guy, Venom:
(Disclaimer for Topher Grace fans: Remember, Topher had help to look ugly here.)
And for those having difficulty picturing Brownback as President, here we go:
Well, what about John McCain, you ask? Ah yes, Mr Straight Talk seems to be having a lot of trouble getting his candidacy out of reverse these days. But still, don't count him out. Behind that rather folksy and "kind old man" look, I'll bet you there's a sinister presence at work... something that hides from even the most powerful forces of peace and justice in the Galaxy....
It's no wonder the Jedi are just going around confused as all hell....
So here I am, terrified to go to bed each night, having nightmares about symbiotic conservatives threatening to eat my brains and replace them with David Vitter's used diapers... prayers, meditation, Ron Jeremy penis ads... nothing worked.
But fortunately, I managed to cure myself of my phobias. You see a rather smart-assed 10 year old girl, who takes after her father way too much, managed to convince him that he looked rather villanous on occasion too:
And I lived happily ever after.
So my fellow Kossacks, vote early and often!
(So what if it sucks....at least it's not another Cindy Sheehan diary 
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